A few weeks ago, we began a journey into understanding my relationship with my father and how I view it through the lens of the Tarot. This week, we finish this discussion about that relationship and how it has shaped me into the person that I have become. I have decided to do so through a letter. Please indulge me.
 
Dear Dad,
Many years have passed since we last spoke to each other and a lot of things have changed since I last laid eyes on you. I have grown up now and I have become someone I always knew I’d be. I am sure that it would repulse and disgust you, but I am happy. I am sure that you would be ashamed, but I feel light as a feather and sleep like a baby.
On a daily basis, I fight to be everything I have dreamed of, the man I am supposed to be, and nothing at all like you. I see our relationship clearly now and find myself at peace with it. Actually, that may be a lie. At the very least, I understand what happened between us and view it as a learning experience.
Because of you, I learned never to judge others; instead, I value others. I value people based on their heart, their character, and their potential to be amazing. I choose not to condemn them, chastise them, or make them feel less. I see people as they are, inherently born with a gift and great potential.
If it wasn’t for you, I would never have understood the darkness and why it is important I fight it. If it wasn’t for you, I would never be able to clearly see the negative attachments people carry in their lives. If it wasn’t for you, I would have never been able to help others release themselves from deep-rooted pain and suffering. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t understand the Devil and how it can suck the life from you.
Every day, I wake up and do battle with my own darkness. I don’t always win and those are the days I feel most in touch with you. During my darkest periods, I would sometimes pass by a mirror and see your shadow where my light should have been. All too often, I hear you in my voice when I have lost my temper and became violently angry. I guess you would say, “That the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.” But I would rather like to think of myself as the entire fruit basket.  
There are very few moments of our time together that I remember fondly. In good will, I will recount them here. I remember how you once made me a Batman mask out of Ductape and how I wore it until it reeked. I remember going to the lake and having one hour of calm and peace with you. I remember the stories you told and your love of art. I remember you being the first person to ever play Janis Joplin, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, and The Eagles for me. I remember how you used to sometimes dance down the hall when you would first wake up. But believe me, these few memories are the only ones I have of you that didn’t end in sadness and disappointment.
Someone asked me last week what I thought your punishment should be for all you did to hurt our family. I gave the question some thought and came to a startling conclusion. You are already living your punishment. You are old, broken, alone, and will never lay eyes on your son for the rest of your days. This is punishment enough. Just know that if things were different, I would have always been loyal and true to you. If you had unconditionally loved me, there would never have been a moment when your son wasn’t by your side. Sadly, you did this. Now, we both have to live with it.
Take care of yourself, Dad. I wish you well and all the peace in the world. What is most important here is that I truly mean it, from me to you. Thank you for making me work harder, be stronger, and have the courage to live true to myself. Thank you for teaching me to not take shit. That is something that will always come in use. Lastly, I want to thank you for proving that family isn’t always defined by the blood in our veins, but by unconditional love for another person.

​All my Love,
Ken
​xoXox

Last week, we began a journey into understanding my relationship with my father and how I view it through the lens of the Tarot. This week, we will continue discussing this relationship and how it has shaped me into the person that I have become. 
The most heartbreaking card of the Tarot and the one we will be discussing today is the three of Swords. This card is illustrated by a large heart, stabbed by three swords and bleeding, as rain pours in the background.  No other card in the Tarot comes close to defining the memory of my father that I will now share with you.
One day in 2000, when I was only 15 years old, my father did something as unforgettable as it was unforgiveable. On this day, my father ripped out my heart, shattered it and never offered to replace the pieces. This is the day that my father proved he never truly loved me.
It happened on a rainy day, after school in late August. Instead of walking out of the building and finding my Granny waiting to take me home, I saw my father in his car. This was very strange to me. Funny enough, I was excited to see him. I remember there was a James Brown tape playing in the cassette deck of the car. I was wearing blue jeans, sneakers, and a fleece camel colored sweater. That last piece is important for reasons I’ll mention later. 
On the way home, he chained smoked. He lit one cigarette after the other and dodged every positive thing I had to say about the day. But that didn’t stop me from trying to engage him and make him happy. Try as I did, I couldn’t seem to talk over the tension between us.  
When we got home, we got out of the car and walked towards the house. “When we get inside, I want you to put your things in the room, change clothes, and meet me in the kitchen.” he instructed me. I did everything he asked of me, with the exception of changing clothes. I couldn’t waste time being bothered with that, I knew what he had to say was too important to worry with it.
So, as quick as I could, I went to meet him in the kitchen. He was leaning against the countertop, smoking another cigarette, and gestured that I take a seat in a chair that was sitting in the middle of the room. As I took a seat, I could feel my heart pounding in my ears and couldn’t take a deep enough breath. I knew something terrible was about to happen.
“Do you know anything about cookies and browser history?” he asked me. Having never had access to the internet much in my life, I had no idea what he was talking about. “Because I do and I have been through yours.” Again, I had no idea what it meant but I knew for sure what I had been looking at on the internet. “You’ve been on my computer watching gay shit, looking at pictures, reading about queers, and other shit.” He was right. As a 15 year old boy, who was struggling with his sexuality, those were the very things I was looking at. I put my head down and tried not to swallow my tongue. “You ain’t even going to deny it.” And no, I didn’t. I couldn’t even breathe, let alone form the words to lie.
He pushed away from the countertop and marched toward the computer that was sitting in the living room. He demanded that I follow him and I did. He went to computer and sat in front of it. He moved the mouse and the screensaver exposed all of the stuff I had been watching. He had pulled up every site and went through them, one by one.
With every click, he shamed me. “You are disgusting. This is sick. YOU are sick.” More than any of those, he repeated over and over that it and I was an abomination to God and evil. When he finally finished his demonstration of my filth, he demanded I go back into the kitchen. As I turned my back to him, I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. When I got to the kitchen, I sat back down in my designated seat. 
“You disgust me. I don’t know what I am about to do to you. I can’t even stand to look at you. I want you to go to your room and wait for me. I am going to have a talk with God and God will tell me what to do.” My father often had, “conversations with God.”
I sat in that room, absolutely panicked. What would God say about me? I knew what the Bible said about what should happen to me. After all, one of my father’s favorite living room sermons was on abominations and God’s punishment for those who were guilty.
After about an hour of me crying and rocking back and forth, alone in the room, I heard him stomp down the hall. Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open and he stepped inside the room. He was livid, his eyes were terrifying. I had rarely seen his face so full of rage.
“God says you’re a faggot and that I should beat the queer out of you,” he shouted. “God condemns you and everything about you. You are an embarrassment. You are disgusting and have shamed God, me, your family, and our family name. You and your whore mother have destroyed our family. I hate you.”
He stomped and paced about the room, screaming and cussing. Occassionally, he would stop pacing and put his finger in my face and threaten my life. I was petrified. I knew he was angrier and more disturbed than I had ever seen him and that was a scary thought. He walked back to the bedroom door, “I am going back to talk to God.” he said.
This process happened multiple times. Each time he would relent, I would quietly pick up the phone and call people for help. I called everyone. I even called my mother whose boyfriend, later husband, answered. He explained that there was no room for me and my gayness at their house and that I was on my own. He said my mother didn’t want to even talk to me about it. So, I called my boyfriend at the time and I developed a plan.
It went like this… I would beg God and my father’s forgiveness and vow to never be “gay again.” I would do what I could to get through the night safely and return to school the next day. And as the night went on, that is what I did. I lied about myself, sold myself out, and begged not to be beaten. Eventually, my pleading and begging worked and my father told me to go to bed.
I didn’t sleep that night; instead, I cried and waited for the morning to come. When it did, I didn’t even change clothes. I went to school in the same thing I wore the day before, changing clothes felt insignificant. Getting out of the house in one piece was all I cared about. I gathered my savings bonds that totaled $600, whatever clothes I could fit in my bag, and left for school. My uncle took me to school that day and refused to speak to me the entire way there. Clearly, he and dad had a discussion about me and “what I was.”
When I went into the school, I felt relief. I knew I was somewhere safe, where all I had to fear were the usual bullies and not the one I just left at home. Waiting for me at the end of a long hallway stood a group of my friends. As I walked closer, they could see I was a mess and that something terrible had happened. As they got closer, I collapsed in tears and started gasping for air. When I could finally speak, I told them what happened and asked for any help they could offer me. They each said the same thing: I was in danger and that I needed to talk to a teacher.
About that time, a teacher walked up on the scene. She asked me what was wrong and swallowing my tears, I told her the whole story. I asked her if there was any way I could go to the library and look into calling social services or someone that could protect me. She said yes and encouraged me to do so.
After hours of research and multiple missed classes, I finally came across something that proved to be my liberation… filing for emancipation; essentially, divorcing my parents and allowing me to live on my own. If I could prove I had a place to go, a job to work, and the means of staying in school, I never had to return to the abuse of my father ever again.
First, I called Social Services and explained what happened. I booked an appointment with a Social Worker for later that evening. After that, I called an Attorney who seemed uneasy about doing so, but agreed to help me. And then, I called my boyfriend. I told him to collect and cash my savings bonds, get us an apartment, and find me a job as fast as he could. He did everything I asked of him.
Near the end of the day, after all of my ducks were in a row, I went to the Vice-Principal’s office. I told him what my father did, what the Social Worker said, and told him that he needed to call in my father so I could explain that I was not going to be coming home. Also, I suggested that the Vice-Principal should call the police. He did and within the hour, all parties were present.
My father walked in the room and I told him the truth: I was gay, I was going to be emancipated from his abuse, and that I was never going to be alone with him again. His only response was that he hoped how soon I would die and that he never wanted to see me again. I have done my best to make sure that I granted his wish.
That is why we can’t possibly talk about my father without discussing the 3 of Swords. The card itself is about grief, loss, and emotional despair. It so perfectly embodies that rainy day in 2000, as it does many of my memories of my father. 
​

Just the other night, an amazing idea came to me… I would like to take you through my personal life, by using the Tarot. I think this is good for several reasons. You get to know more about who I really am. You can follow my journey and discover common pains. You get to learn a lot of Tarot along the way. So… if interested in reading the nitty gritty of my life, continue. If not, you may want skip the next four weeks of this BLOG.

I’d like to begin our journey by taking you through one of the most influential, damaging, and life-changing relationships I have ever had. For the next few blog entries, I will be diving into this complex relationship. This relationship is with my father.

My father is a very dark, unfeeling, and cruel person. He is also one of the most direct and intelligent men I have ever known. He was a perfectionist, but only in some aspects of his life. For these reasons, I refer to a piece of my father as, The Emperor.

Like the Emperor, my father was stern, decisive, and fixed-solid. Unlike, the Emperor, my father was unstable, and lacked the solutions for his material problems. Sure, he was strong in the physical sense; however, emotionally he was broken.

When I was a child, he once handed me several pieces of unused lumber. As an unsuccessful and self-made carpenter, he often came by such pieces of wood. He handed me a hammer, a tool belt, and a fist full of nails. His only instructions were to hammer the nails into the wood. He gave me all the time I wanted with this project and only one rule; it was up to me to decide where the nails went.

So for the better part of a Saturday, I put the planks of wood on top of each other and hammered until all of the nails were used. Occasionally, he would walk by and explain how I used too many strikes of the hammer on each nail. At one point, he simply walked by me with his head down and muttered something under his breath. Most often, he would walk by and correct the way I held my hammer and make a point to discuss my weak wrists. An absolute Emperor, right?

At the end of the day, I proudly presented my finished project to him. My thumbs were beaten, black and blue. You should have seen my face; I had a grin from ear to ear. I was certain that he would be thrilled. I could not have been more wrong.

My father took the project from me and stared at it with such disappointment in his face. He said, “This wasn’t about the nails. This was to determine how intelligent you are. You had everything you needed here to build something, anything. All you did was poorly hammer all of my damned nails into a useless piece of junk.”

As you could imagine, I was heartbroken. In my little world, I was finally spending quality time with my Dad. But no, I was taking an exam and failed... miserably. Sure, I could have made anything with that wood. I could have made a bench. I could have used other tools and made a table or a small house. But, all I wanted to make that day was my father proud.  

Recently, I took a good look at my schedule and made a huge decision… I am going to open up more days and accept more clients! In the past, I only did Tarot Readings for 3 days out of the week. Truth is, I am ready for more. So, let’s BLOG about it.

When I first started reading Tarot professionally, I decided that I would only read on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I figured that I would fill up those days and then open more. The time has come to open those other days.

I am now reading clients Monday-Saturday!!! So, what does this mean? This means that I am on the look out to fill  my books with people to read and help! I have space for more than 43 NEW CLIENTS! And I want your help to get me there!

If you are already a KenBoggle client and you are enjoying the benefits of Tarot in your life, I thank you for staying with me. If you are a KenBoggle client and already share me with your friends and family, I greatly appreciate you! All of you know who you are! Please keep it up! Without you, I could not continue to follow Tarot as my passion.

But the time has come for me to ask all of you for your help. I am asking each of you to share your KenBoggle experiences with friends and family to encourage them to try Tarot for themselves. You may feel a little uneasy talking about Tarot with other people, but it would mean so much to me if you would.

Tell them about how Tarot has benefited you. Tell them about all of the things that you have come to learn about yourself and all of the things I have helped you with. And please share my site and Social Media with them; especially, those in your life who need direction and guidance.

Maybe you have a friend who is suffering through divorce, maybe even a custody issue? Share me with this person. Maybe you have a friend who struggles with self-worth and confidence? Share me with them. Maybe you have a friend who has a million reasons to be unhappy and can’t find value in their life? Share me with them! The long and short of it is that I want you to share me with people in your life that need me and could use the help.

Again, I want to thank all of the people who are regulars and already sharing me with others. Like I said, I wouldn’t be able to follow this passion of mine without you. To everyone else, please get out there and spread the word! Help me accomplish my goal and bring joy to those around you.

All my Love,
Ken
xoXox

Last week, I had a meltdown- not a breakdown, just a meltdown. When I did, I had so many people reach out to me. So many people wrote me messages. A lot of these messages were very kind and gentle; a few others were right out slap in the face. But both types of messages were comforting, I think we should BLOG about it.

From time to time, each and every single one of us has a bad period. A few of us keep these times to ourselves, preferring to deal with our issues alone. Conversely, many other people immediately turn to social media. They post the raw truth of their hurt and their pain. Me? I like to publicly crack a joke about my issues. Finding the humor in my problems is how I cope. The truth is I need to stop doing that. Why? Because a lot of people take my humor as a cry for help and it makes them worry.

When I have meltdowns, I first recognize that I am having one. Shortly after this realization, I immediately try to make a joke about it. After finding humor in my situation, I can see all the ways that it isn’t so bad. Once I find that my situation is within my power to change, I change it. This is my process. Side note, telling me how bad others have it does me no good. It only makes me feel bad for the poor bastard that has it worse than I do.

Honestly, there is nothing anyone can say or do when I am going through a difficult time. Why? Because there is nothing anyone can say that I haven’t already thought of myself. Instead, I turn to humor and my three step process to overcoming my issues. What is my three step process? Well, I am glad you ask.

First, I turn to my faith. I get off my ass, go to my prayer room, pray and chant. I pray to lighten what is dark within me, strengthen what is weak, and for the restoration of my peace. I do this for as long as it takes. I do not come out of that prayer room until I have made a huge leap in recovery. Then, at the end of the day, I go back in and express my gratitude for having made those leaps and bounds.

Second, I make concrete action to feel better. I eliminate the patterns of behavior that have kept me in my darkness. Usually, these include coming out of the bed, turning off social media, getting in some exercise, and staying away from the kitchen. Once I have made concrete action, I immediately start to feel better. Remember, prayer is wonderful…. but prayer AND concrete action make everything much better.

Lastly, I make a vow or determination to not give in or give up. I make a determination deep in my soul that I will no longer allow my fundamental darkness to mess with me. I vow to overcome it and conquer it. Anytime my resolve starts to falter, I go back to steps one and two. I repeat this process over and over until I have made actual proof in my life that I have achieved victory.

Why does any of this matter to you? I say all of this to encourage you to do the same in your darkest moments. I encourage you to find the humor, turn to your spiritual practice, make concrete action to change what needs changed, AND persevere. I preach these things to my clients and I do live by them. I do this because it is a fail proof way to win. It is a fail proof way to live a life of strength, and to forge tremendous character.

Just remember this, even the best fall down. Even the best have their dark moments. Even gurus and sages will sometimes find themselves grasping for the light. Do not lose faith in them, gossip or criticize them behind their back. Instead, see them for what they truly are… human. Watch how they handle their issues. Pay attention to how they raise themselves back up from the depths. You may learn a little something about yourself in the process.

Having said all of that… maybe you need to talk to someone about your issues? Maybe you need an outsider you will listen without judgement and provide clarity? If so, get yourself a Tarot Reading with me. The Tarot is a great source for clarity, guidance, and motivation. Every client I have tells me how their reading with me has positively affected their life. There are many times that I reach out to the Tarot to help me along my path, as well! More than that, you can tell by this blog that I have seen hard times and will be able to understand your hurt and pain.  Don’t suffer alone, reach out to me and together we will work out what is happening in your life.     

More often than not, there is one piece of advice that stands above all others… FORGIVE. At one point or another, I have given this advice to every single client that sees me. I ask that they either forgive others, situations, or themselves. Why is forgiveness such an important thing? Well, let’s BLOG about it.

There is so much baggage in everyone’s lives. We are bogged down with situations in our past, people in our past, and our own actions in the past. Most of us carry it around like we are bound to it, as if there is no other way to live. Why is this? It is because forgiving, while absolutely necessary, is one of the hardest things to accomplish. But again, it is absolutely vital to living the highest quality of life.

Forgiving others is one of the best things we can do. When people do us wrong, we must muster up the strength and courage to forgive their wrong doings and show mercy. This is a wonderful thing, indeed. However, it is totally to our benefit! Forgiving others allows our spirits to be free of the pain or treachery that has been laid upon us. Forgiveness liberates us, as well as those who seek it.

Forgiving situations is also necessary to moving on in life. As we all know, sometimes things just happen. We had no control in the situation and in certain cases; the other party had no control, or malicious intent. Nobody sat out to hurt the other, it simply happened. In these situations, forgiveness is good for both parties and allows us to put those situations behind us.

But sadly, of all the forgiving to do, forgiving ourselves is the hardest. For whatever reason, we hold on to our own wrong doings more than anyone we have ever hurt. There is something about a good hearted person that just refuses to forgive themselves for the wrongs they’ve done, even after those we have hurt have expressed their forgiveness of our actions. This is self-defeating, deflating, and abuse. We simply cannot allow ourselves to carry the burden the rest of our lives. We have to make peace with those we’ve wronged, vow to do better, and MOVE ON about it. If you do not, it is on you.

Many people believe that they need to carry the guilt as a means of penance for what they’ve done. In most scenarios, this is not the right way. Now, if you are telling me that you intentionally killed a kitten with a lawn mower, you should carry that guilt. Conversely, if you accidentally caused harm to the animal- you must let the guilt go. Forgive yourself for the accident and release the self-punishment.

As for forgiving and forgetting… this is not always the best. Forgive always, forget never. Why is this? Forgetting the wrong that has been done makes you susceptible to going through the same situation at another time. Remember the wrong that someone did and vow that you will never again fall victim to it.  But be careful, remembering the situation can often breed resentment and hatred. You do not want that. What you want is to forgive the wrong, remember that it happened, but not allow it to disturb your mental peace any further. Make peace with it, but don’t forget it.

I hope that this blog has encouraged you to drop some of the baggage you have been carrying. Further, I hope that it has inspired you to forgive those who’ve wronged you and to seek forgiveness from those you’ve wronged. In doing so, you will find yourself liberated from the ghosts of your pasts and living a lighter, happier life.

All My Love,
-Ken
xoXox

Just the other day, I read for two clients that made me very proud! They said to me, “I hope you don’t mind, but I am taking the cards from my predictions that I don’t like and working to change them.” I was floored with happiness!!! My response was that these two clients are using the Tarot the correct way! What I do I mean by that? Well, let’s BLOG about it.

At the end of every Tarot Date I do, I like to deal six cards that provide predictions for my client’s lives for the next six weeks. I do this so that every client I speak with has an idea of what will be happening in the time between appointments. Think of it as a week by week Tarot-Scope.
 Sadly, a good number of my clients accept their Tarot-Scope and go on with their lives. However, very few realize that they have the power to change what they don’t like about the predictions that have been provided to them.

In every Tarot reading I do, I say the exact same thing: “Although Tarot cards are an AMAZING tool and I can do PHENOMENAL things with them, they are in no way more powerful than the following three things: Your FAITH, CONCRETE ACTION to change what you don’t like, and your PERSEVERANCE to not give in or give up.” After I say this to my clients, I ask if they truly believe it to be true. If they disagree, I close the reading and I do not deal a single card. Why? Because the aforementioned three things can change absolutely anything.

If you live your life in faith, you are provided great spiritual strength and immeasurable hope. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t need more of these. Spiritual strength and hope are vital to living a life of light and life force energy. If you are not nurturing your spirit, through prayer or meditation, you are making life harder for yourself. And I simply can’t understand that. Please reference my other blogs regarding Meditation and Prayer State.

Concrete action to change what you do not like about life is the only way to successfully live life!!! It is one thing to pray and expect things to change. It is entirely another thing to pray AND put it concrete action to make things change. With faith, concrete action will propel you forward into the life that you need, deserve, and want. Prayer alone is nice. Prayer, concurrent with action, will revolutionize your life.

After you have conjured great faith and put in actual effort, all which is left is to persevere. Everything about your life is determined by YOUR determination. Character is forged by facing great obstacles and refusing to give up. Once you give up on something, all of the work you have put into it becomes wasted. Your mindset is everything. Give in to defeat? You WILL be defeated. Fight and challenge obstacles? You will eventually overcome them. This is fact.

So, when you are faced with predictions that challenge your happiness, have faith, put in concrete action to change it, and be determined to win. It is that simple. Of course, all of this is your responsibility. No Psychic or Reader, regardless of their talent, can do this for you. It is all on your shoulders. If you want to give in, that is on you. If you want to knock it out of the park, it is up to you.

Life is a constant test. It isn’t my job to give you the answers… it is my job to give you the study guide.

All My Love,
Ken
xoXox